The Gentle Art of Unlearning Self-Sabotage

Why the thing holding you back might actually be trying to protect you.

Do you ever feel like you’re constantly getting in your own way?

You want to move forward.
You’re trying.
You’re working toward something that matters to you.

And yet… there’s this invisible resistance behind the scenes — slowing you down, stalling you out, or quietly nudging you off course.

If that sounds familiar, you’re definitely not alone.

What if… and stick with me here because this might rub some of you the wrong way… it’s actually self-sabotage.

Not some dramatic, self-destructive behaviour that blows your life apart at the seams, but the subtle, everyday behaviours that we don’t notice (or don’t acknowledge) holding us back.

Because when we think of the term self-sabotage, we might imagine big, obvious behaviours – self-destructive behaviours, making reckless choices, or actively undermining ourselves.

But self-sabotage can show up much more quietly... often as things we don’t immediately recognize as a problem:

• Procrastination
• Perfectionism
• Over-planning instead of starting
• Comparison
• Negative self-talk
• Imposter syndrome
• Waiting until we feel more “ready”

Whichever disguise it’s wearing, on the outside it looks very much like staying busy but stuck.

And all of those patterns feel so reasonable - even responsible – that they can slip under our radar, leaving us wondering why we just can’t seem to move forward.

Let’s expose the culprit here so we can start to drop the shame.

Our brain’s primary role isn’t to make you happy, fulfilled, or successful. It really doesn’t care much at all about those things.

It sees its most important job as keeping us safe.

Evolution developed this as a survival system, prioritizing predictability over happiness… familiarity over possibility… energy conservation over growth.

Our brain’s threat-detection system (including the amygdala and related limbic structures) is constantly scanning for danger, uncertainty, and potential loss.

And while it may not like pain or discomfort, it recognizes it as known - and therefore manageable.
The unknown – whether it’s something you really want or not – is viewed as a potential threat.

It’s content to sit in familiar discomfort because it feels safer than unfamiliar growth. When it detects something that feels unfamiliar, risky, or emotionally vulnerable, your brain may quietly apply the brakes.

Not because you’re lazy.
Not because you lack motivation.
But because your nervous system is trying to protect you.

In psychology, this tendency to stick with what’s familiar – whether it’s in our best interest or not - is often referred to as status quo bias.

I call it my “comfort-zone demon”.

Our brains will lean toward known pain over unknown possibility – and predictability over uncertainty. So we put these quiet self-protection mechanisms in place to shield ourselves from repeating past negative experiences:

• because failure hurt last time
• because we were criticized or shamed before
• because trying once led to rejection or loss

Self-sabotage, when viewed from this perspective, isn’t self-destruction. It’s self-protection that went off the rails.

One of the trickiest things about self-sabotage is that it rarely announces itself. It doesn’t show up saying, “Hi, I’m here to mess things up.”

It shows up sounding pretty sensible:

• “I’m just being realistic.”
• “I need to do more research first.”
• “I’ll start when things calm down.”
• “That not-ready feeling must be intuition.”

But sometimes… that feeling isn’t intuition at all.
It’s fear wearing sensible shoes.

If you’ve listened to recent episodes, you’ll recognize that voice. The one that’s our inner critic. And it doesn’t usually sabotage us by yelling.

It sabotages us by quietly convincing us not to try.

Common scripts sound like:

• “I’m not good enough.”
• “Why bother? I’ll mess it up anyway.”
• “I’m too old to start now.”
• “If I do this, they’ll think…”

Neuroscience shows us that the more we repeat a self-critical thought, the stronger the neural pathways re-enforcing that thought becomes - through neuroplasticity - our brain’s ability to wire and rewire based on repeated experience.

Thoughts we practice often become thoughts we automatically believe.

But a thought being familiar doesn’t make it true.

Self-sabotage doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It often forms through:

• early experiences of criticism, failure, or shame
• conditioning around worth and achievement
• trauma or chronic stress
• past attempts that led to pain, rejection, or loss

Your brain learned something important at the time:
This keeps me safe.

The problem isn’t that you learned it – maybe sometime in the past it served you. The problem is that the strategy may no longer apply.

Self-sabotage isn’t a character flaw. It’s a learned survival strategy.

Here’s the good news:
You don’t have to rip these patterns out by the roots to change them.

Change begins with awareness, not force.

Mindfulness research shows that when we name a thought as a mental event - rather than a fact - activity in the prefrontal cortex increases, and emotional reactivity decreases.

In simple terms:
Awareness creates space.

Instead of:

“I can’t do this.”

Try:

“Oh - there’s that familiar thought again.”

No judgment.
Just noticing.

Awareness doesn’t eliminate self-sabotage - but it weakens its grip.

Gentle Ways to Interrupt the Cycle

Unlearning self-sabotage isn’t about doing more or trying harder. It’s about doing things differently.

A few gentle starting points:

• Pause and ask: What am I feeling right now?
• Get curious about triggers instead of fighting them
• Break overwhelming goals into smaller, achievable steps
• Acknowledge progress - even when it feels small
• Practice radical self-compassion (this part is non-negotiable - seriously)

You cannot shame yourself into growth.
But you can support yourself through it.

If you’d like to explore this more deeply, try journaling or reflecting on these questions:

• What usually triggers my self-sabotage - overwhelm, uncertainty, comparison, fatigue?
• What does self-sabotage tend to look like for me?
• What am I really trying to protect myself from?
• If I’m honest, what am I afraid might happen if I really try?

If these questions made you squirm a little, that’s okay.
Curiosity is often the first sign of change.

A few things to remember…

Discomfort doesn’t mean danger.
It’s often just fear showing up to protect you.

Many of the patterns we use to avoid discomfort were learned as survival strategies.
And now - with awareness and compassion - we’re allowed to gently unlearn them.

One baby-step at a time.

🧰 Free Resource

I’ve created a free Anti-Sabotage Toolkit to support you in exploring this work at your own pace - with practical prompts, gentle strategies, and zero pressure.

👉 Download it here:
🌐 https://transformativejourneys.ca/

🛑 Disclaimer
Johanna is not a therapist, just a human sharing lived experience.
✨ “I’m just Johanna – a fellow human being on my journey through this thing called life, and your guide on this transformative journey.”