The Hidden Cost of "Being Good With People"

Why Competence Doesn't Mean It Comes Naturally

A funny thing often happens to me – with people I newly meet, and even with people I’ve known for years.

They’re often surprised when I confess to them that I'm actually a deeply introverted person.

I can understand their surprise. After all, I speak in front of audiences. I facilitate workshops. I support people through difficult experiences. I hold conversations comfortably and connect with people quite easily.

The confusion is that to a lot of people those things look like extroversion. And the assumption is often that seeing someone who is comfortable and confident in social interactions and even enjoys being around large groups of people… means that they find it energizing.

But the truth is that being good with people and being energized by being around people are quite different things.

One of them is a skill. And the other is how you’re ‘wired’.

And that difference matters. A lot.

The Misconception About Introverts

One of the biggest myths about introversion is that introverts are shy, awkward, antisocial, or uncomfortable around people.

Yes, some introverts might be shy – but the truth is that many aren’t. I’m definitely not.

I've spent most of my life interacting with people and volunteering… from the time I was a teenager teaching swimming lessons at a local pool and being an assistant at day-camps… to delivering Meals-on-Wheels as a young adult… to almost 20-years speaking publicly and supporting others… Plus a lifetime in relationships.

The version that most people see of me today isn’t fake. It’s not ‘curated’ or me pretending to be someone I’m not.

However, it is practiced.

After decades of life, work, parenting, volunteering, public speaking, and learning how to show up well for others, I've developed the ability to be capable, engaged, and present in social situations.

What most people don't get to see is what happens afterward.

The Invisible Cost Behind Competence

I think this week’s episode started with a realization that applies far beyond introversion. It’s that many times we mistake competence for effortlessness.

When someone appears comfortable doing something, we often assume it comes naturally to them.

But sometimes what you're seeing isn't natural ease. Quite often…

It’s experience…

It's preparation…

It's a learned skill.

And sometimes the truth is that it's effort. And a lot of effort to be frank.

There is often a marked difference between doing something well - and doing it without a cost. But that cost isn’t always visible.

It often happens behind a closed door when we feel safe to allow ourselves the space for the emotional exhaustion we feel as a result of the interaction. It can quietly look like mental fatigue. And sometimes it looks like needing a day - or even several days - to recover from an event where, although you might have enjoyed it, most people didn’t see the ‘expense’ involved for you.

For many introverts, the crash doesn't typically happen during the interaction. When it often happens is afterward. When the room gets quiet and the exit door closes behind them.

Why Social Interaction Can Be Draining

There is research suggesting that part of the reason for this is that introverts’ and extroverts’ brains process stimulation differently. It shows that extroverts often feel energized by social engagement because their brains require lots of dopamine to feel happy – and external stimulation provides lots of dopamine release. Introverts, on the other hand, are highly sensitive to dopamine, and they tend to reach their threshold for stimulation more quickly, leaving them feeling overwhelmed and anxious.

That doesn't mean introverts dislike people. It just means that social interaction can deplete their energy more quickly.

Think of it like extroverts having larger social batteries – or even that social interactions help recharge their battery…

While introverts’ batteries simply drain faster – and social interaction accelerates that.

Both can do pretty well in a social situation. One just needs to leave to recharge their battery sooner.

The Work We Prepare For - And The Work We Don't

While I was driving home the day I formulated the concept for this episode, I realized that it’s not just someone like me who is doing volunteer presentations in front of people who has to be "on" for others.

Authors at book signings.

Teachers in classrooms.

Facilitators leading workshops.

Healthcare professionals.

Volunteers.

Speakers.

Leaders.

People whose work involves holding space for others.

Most of us only see the public-facing portion of what they do. We see the presentation… The workshop… The classroom… The conversation…

We don't always see the preparation that came before it - or the recovery work that happens afterward. Even when the interactions that drain us the most are also the ones that matter the most.

Draining The Battery While Filling The Heart

I also wanted to be really clear about something. I don't dislike these interactions. Quite the opposite.

Many of them are deeply meaningful, and some of the most rewarding moments in my volunteer work happen after a presentation is over.

When someone approaches me to share a story. To ask a question. To express gratitude. To tell me how something resonated with them.

Those moments matter so much to me.

They reduce imposter syndrome.

They reinforce purpose.

They remind me why I do the work I do.

Even while they are draining my battery, they are filling my heart.

And yes, both of those things can happen at the same time.

What Introverts Need To Remember

This isn't just a conversation about what extroverts should understand. Introverts have responsibilities too.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that sometimes exhaustion isn't caused by the interaction itself. Sometimes it's caused by staying too long. By ignoring our limits. When we push past our warning signs - blowing past the point where our internal low-battery light started flashing… then wondering why we're completely depleted afterward.

Self-awareness matters.

Boundaries matter.

Knowing when to leave matters.

What Extroverts Need To Understand

If you're someone who genuinely feels energized by social interaction, that's wonderful. You're not doing anything wrong. But it's worth remembering that not everyone experiences those interactions the same way you do.

Someone can be smiling… Engaged… Present… Interested in what you're saying….

And still be running out of energy.

Sometimes people leave early because they need to recharge - not because they don't care. Keep in mind that sometimes the need for a quiet moment isn't rejection. It's regulation.

Meeting In The Middle

So I’m not saying that I think introverts need to become extroverts. And I don't think extroverts need to become introverts.

I think we simply need to become more aware. More aware of our own needs. More aware of other people's needs. And more aware that people move through the world differently than we do.

What fills one person's cup might empty someone else's. And paying attention to that reality can help us support each other a little better.

Final Thoughts

Being good with people does not mean being energized by people.

And being energized by people doesn't necessarily mean you're good with people either.

We make assumptions about others based on what we think we see - but there is often far more happening beneath the surface.

So maybe the takeaway isn't about introversion or extroversion at all.

Maybe it's simply this:

Let's try to be a little more curious about what we can't see.

And a little more compassionate about the energy other people might be spending to show up in the world.

Before you go...

Whether you're reading this with a cup of coffee, killing time during your lunch break, or while avoiding something else on your to-do list, I'm glad you're here.

This article began life as an episode of the Transformative Journeys podcast. If you'd rather listen to the conversation, you'll find it wherever you get your podcasts.

And if you're in the mood to wander a little, there are plenty of other articles, podcast episodes, and free resources waiting for you around my website.

No pressure.

Just possibilities.

Take care of yourself.

💜 If you've enjoyed this post, you'll find additional free resilience, mindfulness, and self-care resources at Transformative Journeys.

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