Stop “Shoulding” On Yourself: Why Authenticity Is Your Superpower

Stop “Shoulding” On Yourself: Why Authenticity Is Your Superpower

Have you ever caught yourself looking at someone who seems completely comfortable in their own skin… and felt jealous?

Or maybe even a little resentful?

Or perhaps you’ve realized that you’re living your life based on who someone else thinks you should be - rather than who you truly are.

Not who you want to be.
Not what actually feels good.
But what feels… expected.

And here’s an uncomfortable question many of us eventually have to face:

What if the person holding the highest expectations over your life… is you?

So, why do we “should” on ourselves?

It actually goes back hundreds of thousands of years, to our prehistoric ancestors. Our brains became deeply wired to need belonging and safety. This wasn’t just for happiness – it was a life-or-death necessity to be accepted and approved of by our tribe.

And through all the years of evolution, that hasn’t changed, so even in our modern brain, from a very young age we learn to internalize the expectations of others to ensure that we are accepted, approved of, and secure. Those internal rules help us navigate relationships, families, and social systems - especially when we’re young and dependent on others for survival.

The problem is… we tend to carry many of those same rules with us long after we have outgrown them.

They quietly follow us into adulthood, shaping our choices, behaviours, and beliefs - even when they leave us feeling uncomfortable, resentful, or not in line with who we really are.

The insidious thing about “shoulds” is that they don’t announce themselves.

They don’t kick in the door shouting, “HEY! This isn’t who you are!”

They whisper.

• They’d be prouder of you if…
• You’d make everyone happier if you just…
• Nice people don’t do that.
• If they knew that about you, they’d be so disappointed.

Sometimes they even show up as reversals:

• You shouldn’t dress like that.
• Good girls don’t act that way.
• That’s not appropriate for someone your age / gender / role.

And before we know it, we’re measuring our worth against a rulebook we never consciously agreed to - one that can make us feel out of sync with what we’re told should make us happy, or wonder why we feel like we’re living a lie.

Where exactly do our “shoulds” come from?

Most of our “shoulds” weren’t consciously chosen.

They sneak their way into our internal world through:

• Messages we absorbed growing up
• Things we saw praised… or criticized
• Well-meaning advice from people who love us - but see the world through their own lens
• Cultural or religious expectations
• And increasingly, social media comparison

And because we are so deeply wired to seek connection and avoid rejection, our brains become very good at predicting what will keep us “safe” socially.

Over time, those predictions turn into internal rules.

“If I do this, I’ll be accepted.”
“If I don’t do that, I won’t disappoint anyone.”

Eventually, those inner narratives become so familiar that they feel like truth - even when they no longer fit who we want to be.

Unfortunately though, it’s not as simple as telling ourselves that we don’t care what people think. Because when we start questioning our “shoulds,” our brain can get a little panicky – interpreting our pushback against what it considers our “norm” as risk.

Even small acts of rebellion against our “shoulds” can trigger discomfort, anxiety, or guilt - not because they’re wrong, but because our brain perceives newness as risky.

Our nervous systems don’t distinguish well between emotional discomfort and actual danger. They just register, “Danger! Danger! This feels unfamiliar!”

But discomfort doesn’t equal danger.

It’s often just a sign that we’re unlearning conditioning - not that we’re making a mistake.

Here’s something we don’t always talk about honestly though… when other people push back.

Here’s the truth. Some people have lived quite comfortably with your “shoulds” firmly in place. They felt safe when you did what was expected.

Those people aren’t going to be comfortable anymore when you stop “shoulding’ on yourself. They might be confused… judgemental… or they may be downright resistant to this new version of you by seeding doubt or even getting angry.

“Are you sure you’re making the right decision?”

“Why are you being so difficult?!”

That can hurt. It can set off the threat detection system in your brain. It can make you feel very insecure about your decision.

But although there is no call for acting in an intentionally hurtful way to others – we are not responsible for other people’s emotions or their reaction to our decisions.

Other people’s opinions about how you live your life are not your responsibility - especially when your choices are rooted in kindness, integrity, and self-respect.

“That’s all well-and-good…” you say, “but I want to stop ‘shoulding’ on myself!”

One of the most powerful shifts we can make is learning to notice our “should” feelings - and gently asking yourself:

“Am I doing this based on my values – or out of fear, guilt, or comparison?”

You’ll often feel a “should” in your body well before you can put it into words though, so pay attention when something you’re doing (or going to do) causes:

• Heavy chest?
• Ishy stomach?
• Tight shoulders?

They can be early cues that a “should” is overriding what you really feel is right for you.

Here is a simple exercise to begin untangling your “shoulds”:

Think of something in your life that feels pressured, draining, or obligation-based.

Complete this sentence:

“I’m supposed to __________ because __________.”

Then ask yourself:

• Who says?
• Where did this belief come from?
• Does this align with my inner values - or am I doing it to meet someone else’s expectations?
• Does this make me feel good about myself… or merely approved of?

Your body often knows the answer before your mind does.

Living within your own truth is a practice. It doesn’t happen overnight.

Those internal scripts are deeply etched - which is why this is a practice, not a destination.

You’ll drift off course.
You’ll notice.
You’ll recalibrate.

And each time you choose alignment over obligation, that muscle gets stronger.

Living authentically isn’t about being louder, bolder, or more rebellious.

It’s about being less at war — and more at peace — with yourself.

Want more insight and tips on how to stop “shoulding” on yourself? Listen to the full podcast episode here: https://transformativejourneys.buzzsprout.com

Or watch the enhanced video version on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TransformativeJourneys-Johanna

For more support along your journey, visit https://transformativejourneys.ca to grab some of my free, nervous-system-friendly tools and guides.