Navigating Holiday Firsts: Grief, Gatherings & Emotional Landmines
Grief, Gatherings, and the Emotional Landmines of the Holiday Season
I think the holiday season is complicated for a lot of people. It sort of has a way of amplifying whatever is going on in your life – whether that’s joy and excitement… pressure and expectations… or grief and loss.
But if you’re grieving - whether you are heading into your first holiday season without someone, or you are many years along in your grief journey, this time of year can feel like you’re trying to navigate your way through a field of emotional landmines that some people aren’t aware are there.
Just know that you’re not alone in that feeling.
When everything around you screams, “Festive” – from the lights to the music to the commercials on TV – but your heart says, “Bah humbug”, life can feel pretty lonely.
Your heart is still bruised, broken, or at least heavy, but the invitations, family expectations, and social pressure to be in the holiday spirit don’t stop.
Grief doesn’t give us a hall pass during the holidays.
And it certainly doesn’t care what month it is.
Whether you’re navigating:
- The first holiday without someone you love
- Traditions that no longer feel right for you
- Sensory overload (music, lights, smells, memories)
- The expectations of others
- Guilt around saying no
- A fear that you’re going to fall apart in front of people
- Or loneliness that you can feel - even in a room full of family
It’s all normal when you’re grieving.
Why This Hurts So Much (a little bit of neuroscience – because it’s just my jam)
Grief overwhelms both our brain and our nervous system. Our prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain that looks after making decisions… planning… managing our emotions) often isn’t working at full capacity when we’re grieving.
Add in some holiday pressures and a few sensory triggers?
Don’t be surprised if you go into emotional overload, feeling extra-exhausted, irritable, and like your cognitive internet server goes down right in the middle of every important download.
Making you want to just delete December – never mind Christmas.
Holiday firsts (and seconds… and thirds…) carry their own unique emotional weight.
It might be:
- The first empty chair
- The first tree you’re decorating alone
- The first menorah you light in silence
- The first time no one says their name
- Or the first time someone does - and you completely come un-done.
That’s because every “first” is a reminder of both the past you long for, and the future you expected to have. And they can trigger your nervous system to react feelings of with grief, longing, fear… and love.
Sometimes the days (or even weeks) leading up to the holiday are worse than the day itself. The dread. The uncertainty. The anxiety about what it will be like and your reactions. The fear of “ruining it” for others.
This is normal too. It’s called “anticipatory grief” and it is more common than some might think – because many of us who experience it try very hard to hide it. Behind busy-ness. Behind to-do lists. And behind that “I’m doing ok” mask that we learn to wear so well in public.
Gentle Suggestions for Navigating This Season
These practices aren’t rules. They’re simply things to consider - supportive ways to tend to your grieving heart.
1. Give yourself permission to grieve.
Grief is not weakness – no matter when it strikes. It is love with nowhere to go.
2. Acknowledge that the holiday season (or the time around any significant date) may be hard.
Go ahead and say it out loud. Naming emotions can help tame them.
3. Identify your emotional triggers.
Certain songs, places, or traditions hit harder. Awareness may not stop them from coming up – but it can help you prepare for them so you’re not caught off-guard.
4. Have realistic expectations of yourself.
Simplify. Cut back on some things. Ask for help. Let the house be messy. Don’t worry about the cards.
5. Establish or hold boundaries.
A single boundary can lift some of the emotional weight around all of the expectations at this time of year.
6. Get comfortable saying “no.”
Seriously. No is a complete sentence. And if you feel a need to say more… “No thank you” is more than enough.
7. Simplify your holiday shopping to avoid the crowds, noise, and “festive cheer”.
Online shopping, gift cards, adjusted budgets. Nobody – and I mean nobody – wants you to torture yourself to find their perfect ugly-Christmas-sweater this year.
8. Find a few sensory resets that work for you, that will help calm your nervous system.
Cold air. Deep breathing (long exhale). A grounding object. A pause to run some cool water over your wrists.
9. Give yourself a holiday “permission slip.” (In fact – I’m giving you one right now).
Say no. Leave early. Keep things the same. Change everything. Cry. Laugh. Do nothing.
(Remember that feeling a little joy is not a betrayal of your person. Happiness and heartbreak can sit side-by-side in the same hour.)
10. Choose an “anchor person.”
Someone who can help you leave, regroup, or create a buffer when you need it.
Most importantly – you don’t have to make all of those (or any) decisions ahead of time.
Take it day-by-day, and listen to your own inner wisdom to determine what you’re up to doing – and what you’re not.
Small acts of self-compassion can create enormous emotional relief.
Your journal prompts for the week
- What part of the holiday season feels the heaviest for me right now, and why?
- Which traditions or expectations no longer fit the version of me who is grieving?
These prompts are meant to meet you where you are - not where anyone else thinks you should be.
It might feel like it some days – but you are not fragile if you find this time of year hard. It’s because you’re grieving – and grieving is damn hard work.
There is absolutely no right or wrong way to do December. There is only your way, and it’s allowed to change year by year, or even hour by hour.
✨ Want more support?
Free grief resources: transformativejourneys.ca
Threads of Life: threadsoflife.ca
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