How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving During the Holidays

Practical, compassionate guidance for walking beside someone you care about

Supporting someone you love through grief is one of the most meaningful - and sometimes the most challenging - things you can do.

You want to help, but you’re terrified of saying the wrong thing. You don’t want to bring up their pain… but you also don’t want to ignore it.

And during the holidays? Or around birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings, or the date of a death?
You can really feel like you’re floundering.

This week we’re exploring some no-nonsense things that can actually help when you’re supporting someone grieving – whether that’s during the holidays, or any other emotionally charged time of year.

The thing is… most people don’t really know how to do “healthy grieving” themselves… let alone how to support someone who is grieving.

We can fear:

Saying something that makes them cry (thinking that tears are a bad thing to happen)
Triggering their sadness (don’t worry – they haven’t forgotten, so you won’t be “reminding them”)
Being too intrusive (Trust me on this. If they don’t want to talk to you, they won’t answer the phone. And if they don’t want to see you, they won’t answer the door.)
Not doing enough (anything is better than nothing)
Or accidentally reminding them of their loss (see point #2)

So here’s the truth:

Your presence won’t make the pain worse. But silence often does.

And for many grieving people, the one of the most painful parts is actually feeling forgotten after the early weeks pass.

There’s a common belief that the first year after a loss is the hardest. And sometimes it definitely is.

But what many people don’t realize is that sometimes the second year hits harder.

Why?

Because:

The numbness has worn off
Reality has settled in
They feel like the world has moved on and has forgotten their loss
Most people assume they’re “better”
But the love… and the pain… are still there

Milestone dates can also bring fresh waves of grief – sometimes for many years.

The:

Birthdays
Mother’s Day or Father’s Day
Anniversaries
Graduations
“Would-have-beens”
The date they died

But what you need to know in order to be the best support-person ever is this:

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline around how long it goes on. There is no end-date for when grief will no longer resurface.

Here are some universal truths that don’t get shared often enough:

✔ Nobody expects you to fix it – especially not the person who is grieving

They know you can’t. Nobody can.

✔ Most grieving people appreciate when you use their loved one’s name

It shows you that you have not forgotten the person they are missing.

✔ Sometimes they need space and sometimes they need connection.

Grief is full of contradictions - and whatever they need at the time is what is right for them.

✔ They often don’t know what they need

So “let me know if you need anything” doesn’t help. Specific, tangible actions do.

✔ The anxiety leading up to a special date can be worse than the day itself

Anticipatory grief is real - and it can be heavy. Just having someone understand and quietly support them through it can mean the world to someone.

So here are 10 practical ways you can support someone who Is grieving.

Simple tools that can make a real difference. Letting them feel seen, held, and not alone.

1. Give them permission to grieve in their way

Some withdraw.
Some talk.
Some stay busy.
Some hibernate.

Your job isn’t to judge or to fix - it’s to honour what their emotional needs are.

2. Acknowledge their loss out loud

Even months later.
Even years later.

A simple:
“I was thinking about your mom today.”
goes a long way.

3. Ask how they’re really doing – and then listen

No advice.
No “at least.”
No silver linings.
No stories about someone else.

Just presence.

4. Use their person’s name (unless the griever has asked you not to)

Hearing the name of someone you love is a gift - not a wound.

5. Let them talk about the loss - or not talk at all

Follow their cues.
Grief ebbs and flows; let the conversation do the same.

6. Offer specific, tangible support

Because grief overloads the brain, people often can’t identify their needs.

Try:

“I’m dropping off dinner tomorrow - no need to answer the door.”
“I’m already going to the store. Can I grab milk or bread for you?”
“Let me take your kids home from school this week.”
Showing up and shovelling the driveway

Small acts = huge relief + immense gratitude.

7. Help them plan for emotional landmines

Ask:
“What can I do to help or support you at that event?”

This could include:

A candle in honour of their loved one
A toast
Sharing a memory
Keeping a seat empty
Doing something quietly symbolic

Support whatever feels right for them.

8. Be their “anchor person”

Someone they can rely on at gatherings or tough days.

This might mean:

Helping them leave early
Offering a quiet break
Standing with them during emotional moments
Running interference with boundary-crossers

Your presence is can be the best gift you could possibly give them this season (or anytime).

9. Pay attention to prolonged changes

If someone stops eating, sleeping, functioning, or seems deeply withdrawn for an extended period, they may need more support.

Encourage counselling as gently as you can. Remember – you’re not responsible for fixing them – you’re supporting them, not replacing professional care.

10. Give your love, not your solutions

You don’t need perfect words.

You don’t need to distract them.
You don’t need to cheer them up.
Your presence matters far more than your perfection.

Reflection Prompts for Supporters

Try one of these this week:

What kind of support feels natural for me to offer — and how can I show up with love instead of pressure?
What fears come up for me when I think about supporting someone grieving?
How can I balance caring for them with caring for myself?

My final thoughts around this…

You don’t need to “do it right” to support someone grieving.
You just need to show up – quietly and compassionately.

And while you’re showing up for them…
please remember to show up for yourself, too.

✨ Want more support?

Free grief resources: transformativejourneys.ca
Threads of Life: threadsoflife.ca
Support the podcast: buymeacoffee.com/transformativejourneys