The Fear of Being Seen: Why Vulnerability Feels So Scary (And How to Do It Anyway)
So… some of you who don’t actually know me might think I’m pretty self-confident.
I’m a public speaker for Threads of Life - a national organization supporting families impacted by workplace tragedy. I facilitate workshops on mindfulness, stress and emotions, anniversaries after loss, and finding hope again. I run a small side-business where I hop on camera to talk about creating healthier homes. And hey… I even have a podcast!
So yeah, I look confident.
But here’s the truth: I’ve struggled with self-confidence and especially the fear of being seen for most of my life.
And I don’t mean the “standing on a stage” kind of seen. I mean the raw, vulnerable, emotionally exposed kind of seen.
Vulnerability sounds poetic on paper. Noble. Beautiful. Great on the cover of a book.
But living it? Ugh. Terrifying.
Here’s why:
- We’re wired for survival. Our nervous system treats rejection as a threat. And sharing our most vulnerable selves? Well… it comes with a risk of disappointing others… not being liked… or feeling like we’re being rejected. Once upon a time, being cast out of the tribe could literally mean death. So our brain still scans for signs of disapproval like it’s scanning for sabretooth tigers.
- Shame is the silencer. Researcher Brené Brown explains that shame tells us: “I am bad.” Guilt, by contrast, says: “I did something bad.” Shame corrodes our sense of worthiness - and makes vulnerability feel unsafe.
- Our past shapes our present. If you grew up being told to stop crying, toughen up, or not make a scene, you likely learned to hide your feelings. And hiding can feel like safety - until it starts costing you connection.
The Real Cost of Hiding
For years, I thought I was just being private. Guarded. Selective.
But what I was really doing was hiding.
And hiding might protect us from judgment in the short term, but it also prevents real connection.
When we keep parts of ourselves locked away - even from people who love us - we’re not only holding them at arm’s length. We’re also sending ourselves the same painful message, over and over:
“Who I really am isn’t safe. Isn’t lovable. Isn’t enough.”
What Vulnerability Is (and Isn’t)
Let’s clear this up. Vulnerability is not:
- Weakness
- Oversharing with people who haven’t earned your trust
- Dumping your trauma on an audience and calling it “healing”
Instead, vulnerability is:
- Conscious courage - showing up honestly, even if you can’t control the outcome
- Selective - letting people who’ve earned it see the real you
- Powerful – seriously powerful. When we share honestly in safe spaces, our brains release oxytocin (the bonding hormone), which calms stress and builds resilience over time.
How This Shows Up in Real Life...
Maybe this sounds familiar:
- You edit yourself - what you say and sharing or contributing - in conversations, even with people you trust
- You downplay your accomplishments… or your pain
- You avoid asking for help until you’re in crisis (and even sometimes when you already are)
- You start something meaningful - then pull back as soon as it touches a nerve
I’ve lived all of these. From dragging my feet for almost a year before starting this podcast, to doubting myself before every workshop I facilitate, to trembling before every public talk I give for Threads of Life.
Every time, the fear is the same: What if I’m not enough? What if I’m too much? What if they walk away?
And yet - every time I push through, I’m reminded that vulnerability and courage are two sides of the same coin.
7 Gentle Ways to Practice Being Seen
You don’t have to rip off your armor overnight. Here are some baby steps:
- Start with self-compassion. Talk to yourself like someone you love.
- Begin with safe people. Share one truth with one trusted person. Or start with your journal.
- Name your fear. Saying “I’m scared to talk about this” is powerful in itself.
- Use “and” language. “I’m strong and I’m struggling.” Both can be true.
- Let it be messy. Shaky voice, sweaty palms, tears - it’s still courage.
- Reflect afterward. Ask yourself: What did I learn? Was it worth it?
- Challenge your inner narrative. Ask: Whose voice am I really hearing? Is it mine, or an old critic from the past?
A Reflection for You
If you have a notebook nearby, take a few minutes mulling over these thoughts:
- “Where in my life am I still hiding - even from people I trust?”
- “What might open up for me if I let myself be truly seen, even in just one place?”
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to hang your knickers out for everyone to see. Not everyone deserves access to your vulnerable places.
But you do deserve relationships where you don’t have to audition to belong.
And here’s what I know for sure… The right people won’t just tolerate the real you. They will embrace it - and be grateful that you trusted them enough to let her (or him) out. 💜
🎧 Prefer to listen instead? This post is based on Episode 21 of the Transformative Journeys podcast. You can find it on all major podcast platforms.
💌 Plus: Grab your free copy of the Bounce Back Blueprint for tools that help you start showing up with more confidence, clarity, and resilience.
