Exposure Therapy in Real Time: What 40 Episodes of Showing Up Taught Me
Forty episodes ago, I thought I was starting a podcast.
Turns out… it was another baby-step of exposure therapy.
I had an aha moment when I realized I was about to record Episode 40 of Transformative Journeys.
Or really, it was more like that moment in elementary school, when someone unexpectedly throws the basketball to you – and it lands square in your stomach… with a thump.
Forty episodes...
Forty times I hit record…
Forty times I quietly wondered if I was really good enough to be doing something so audacious.
Thirty of those times wondering if it wouldn’t just be a better idea to move to a yurt in Mongolia and never speak publicly again. Kidding. (Sort of.)
Let me tell you though, what didn’t really occur to me when I started this podcast:
That the hardest part wouldn’t be deciding what to talk about.
That it wouldn’t be figuring out how to balance it with a full-time job and volunteer work.
That it wouldn’t even be the technology (that I still struggle with sometimes).
It would be getting comfortable with just putting myself out there. The real me – “warts and all”.
Being honest about some of the things I’ve been through… and the things I still struggle with… and just internalizing that I don’t need to be perfect or have it all figured out, in order to walk beside someone or take their hand and say, “Hey – I’ve been there. I don’t have it all figured out yet, but let’s learn together”.
I still automatically get this awkward cringe feeling when someone says, “I listened to your podcast about _____ and I felt like you knew me!”. As in… I can literally feel my body shrink and my shoulders tense during that slight pause before the ‘and’ – as my thoughts automatically go to, “Someone actually listened to my podcast???”, or “Did they really like it – or are they just being polite?”. (Yup – you ought to hear the “greatest hits” and title-tracks of the thoughts that go through my head…)
Even though I am now completely aware of how all of that has everything to do with how our brains are wired.
When Visibility Feels Like Threat
Let’s talk about why, no matter how aware you are of the concept, overcoming the fear of being seen can feel so threatening to our nervous system.
We like to believe that once we know that it’s normal human conditioning, our fear of judgment is going to disappear. Or maybe we convince ourselves that it’s not something we care about.
Wrong.
Almost every human being has an internal fear of judgment (yes, there are some exceptions – but that rabbit-hole is outside of my lane). We can’t help it. One of the most pre-programmed parts of our brain does it automatically, behind the scenes all day.
We fear judgment because if the verdict isn’t positive, it hurts. And even the anticipation of a negative verdict lights up our brain way before the logical, processing part of our brain has time to catch up and hear the actual ruling.
Naomi Eisenberger at UCLA found in her research that social rejection activates the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (listen to me mispronounce this one in the podcast 🤣) - the same region involved in processing the distress of physical pain. In other words, your brain responds to the possibility of being rejected by our social circle in a very similar way to how it processes physical hurt.
So when your stomach drops the split-second after you post something vulnerable?
That’s not just second-guessing.
It’s your brain trying to warn you that there is a possibility that this could cause you pain.
Sadly, your brain doesn’t care that you have good intentions. It cares about belonging. Deeply cares.
It cares about whether your social circle will keep you around - because in ancient times, exile from your “tribe” meant almost certain death.
So for me - hitting “publish” feels a bit like stepping barefoot onto a Lego toy shaped like public opinion.
That’s not drama. It’s just neuroscience.
The Perfectionism Trap
There were episodes early on, where I literally re-recorded entire segments because I could hear myself breathing into the microphone.
Did that change the meaning of what I said?
Not even a little bit.
But it felt imperfect.
And another thing I’ve learned as I was doing background research for some of the past 40 episodes, is that deep down, perfectionism isn’t usually about striving for excellence. It has much more to do with managing anxiety, because research shows that excessive perfectionism is strongly linked to fear of judgment and shame. Brené Brown describes perfectionism as a shield - a strategy we use to avoid vulnerability. Allowing ourselves to feel it – and allowing others to see it in us.
It whispers:
“If it’s flawless, they won’t criticize us.”
Perfectionism doesn’t protect you from criticism. It just delays progress.
And most of the “mistakes” you obsess over?
Nobody noticed.
Only you.
And another thing about what we fear people will notice is called “The Spotlight Effect”. It’s a term psychologists have come up with to describe our tendency to overestimate how much other people notice our mistakes or flaws.
The truth?
The majority of people aren’t analyzing you. And the ones who are? They’re not really your people anyway.
They’re thinking about their grocery list. Or their meeting at 3 p.m. Or whether they remembered to turn off the stove.
When I stumble over a word in an episode, I am fairly confident that no one is playing that 2.7-second clip over and over - the way I was doing in my head.
Realizing that was remarkably freeing.
And now… when I breathe too hard into the mic? I’ve figured out enough tech to squash the sound so you can’t hear it as much.
See? Progress.
Repetition Rewires Fear
For the most part, I’ve really calmed down since those first dozen or so episodes. My nervous system is no longer on high-alert every time I set up my mic. (I’m not kidding. In the beginning? Heart racing… Tense shoulders... Sweaty armpits (I know – ew)... Five minutes of deep breathing before I hit the “record” button.
But repetition rewires fear. Repeated exposure to something we fear reduces amygdala reactivity - and therefore our body’s dramatic response to it over time – so I rarely experience that before I record now.
This strategy is often used in cognitive behavioural therapy. It helps our brain learn: “We survived this. We’re okay.”
Don’t get me wrong. Forty episodes in, I’m still nervous sometimes.
But fear doesn’t get the microphone anymore.
Confidence isn’t the starting point.
It’s the outcome.
You don’t wait until you feel brave.
You act - and your brain updates the software later.
The Real Shift: Self-Trust
One of the biggest shifts over these forty episodes hasn’t been external though.
It has been internal.
When your actions stop arguing with your values – and by that I mean when you start actually doing the things that support who you see yourself becoming – you begin to develop self-trust.
Every time I hit record - even when I’m nervous… Every time I click “publish” to upload an episode – imperfections and all… I’m giving myself evidence that this is who I am.
Not who I want to be.
Who. I. Am.
Self-trust isn’t built inside of your comfort-zone. It’s built when your actions align with your ideals.
And notice I didn’t say your principles… or your morals… or your beliefs? We all have those – and I think most of us try to live up to them most of the time. But we’re human, and humans make mistakes… do the wrong things sometimes… or act in ways that are in conflict with our morals.
Our ideals on the other hand are what we aspire to. Even if we don’t always quite get there.
And learning that alignment builds self-trust is a lesson I’ll carry long after Episode 40.
I’ve talked about Imposter syndrome before – and I will probably cover it again, because I still struggle with it. It was first described in 1978 by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes.
They talk about it being common in high-achieving individuals, especially during periods of growth, but I don’t think you have to be a “high-achieving” person to experience it. If you’re doing something that’s outside your comfort zone, and it matters to you, imposter syndrome is going to move into your attic space – as unwelcome as a squatter, and probably noisier.
It’s that voice that asks, “Who do you think you are?”
Mine? Still there. Quieter than it used to be. I’ve metaphorically slapped duct tape across its mouth more than once. But it hasn’t moved out entirely.
And maybe it never will.
But what I’m really working on internalizing is that imposter syndrome doesn’t mean you’re unqualified.
It often means you’re stretching. And growth usually requires a little stretching.
If you’ve listened to the podcast, you’re probably learning that I’m not 100% serious. That’s just not who I am.
I talk about grief. I talk about trauma. I talk about boundaries and identity shifts.
And I also make jokes… use sarcasm and ‘colourful’ metaphors… and yes, you’ll hear the occasional four-letter word.
That’s not out of disrespect for pain, grief, or suffering. Or because I don’t take the subject matter seriously. It’s because I learned a long time ago, with the support of an amazing grief counsellor, that laughter – just like tears – is a potent tool for healing.
Humour is a powerful nervous-system regulator. Studies show laughter reduces cortisol and increases endorphins. It helps the body exhale after holding tension.
And sometimes life is just… funny.
Painfully funny. Embarrassingly funny. “Did that really just happen?” funny.
Even in the middle of hard things.
Do you want to know what I think growth really feels like?
It doesn’t feel like a motivational quote pasted under a sunset background.
Growth feels destabilizing. It rattles the foundations of who you thought you were. And in doing so, includes the risk that your old footing could crumble.
Your brain prefers predictability - even uncomfortable predictability - over uncertainty. So when you evolve visibly, stretch into a new identity, or show more of who you really are, your nervous system may interpret that as threat.
But fear and alignment can coexist.
And sometimes the thing that feels scary isn’t danger.
It means growth is in progress.
What Exposure Therapy in Real Life Looks Like
Exposure therapy is a strategy often used in therapy to gradually reduce fear by repeatedly facing the thing that triggers anxiety in a safe way.
Instead of avoiding a situation, you learn to approach it in small steps, which, over time, helps the brain learn that the situation is not actually dangerous, allowing the amygdala’s fear response begins to calm down.
In my case, recording this podcast became an unexpected form of exposure therapy.
Each episode was another opportunity to practice:
- speaking honestly
- tolerating vulnerability
- and learning that being seen isn’t the threat my brain sometimes thinks it is.
Forty episodes later, my nervous system has learned something important:
Fear and growth can co-exist.
And the more often we show up despite the fear, the less power it tends to have.
Forty Episodes Later…
Forty episodes ago, I didn’t know if anyone but my husband would listen.
But that wasn’t the point.
The real ‘transformative journey’ hasn’t been the download numbers or the analytics (although downloads have been nice – who doesn’t like a healthy dopamine hit?). It was learning how to regulate my own nervous system while being visible. Learning to quiet my inner critic. Learning that I can be nervous and aligned at the same time.
I didn’t become confident.
I developed some harmony between who I thought I was – and who I am becoming.
And if there’s one thing I hope you take from this milestone, it’s this:
Scared?
Start anyway.
Because sometimes growth hides behind the same cool shades as fear.
If you’re looking for more tools to build emotional resilience, you can find them here.
